on Forgetting

Something big happened today.  Something that is of utmost importance and has everything, yet nothing, to do with everything.  Something that’s shroud of uncertainty has the probability of certain sadness. This monumental event has been on my calendar for weeks and consumed my thoughts, prayers, and conversations.  Today was the big day.  The culmination of so many things.  And I forgot.  Until just now.

And I’m undone.

I want to take back the day I’ve spent on busyness.  The morning of volunteering at Open House.  The afternoon of buying tile for a fireplace remodel.  The evening of making dinner and playing and laughing.  I want it all back.

To lock myself in with echoed prayers and phantom faith.  To devote one more day to the hope of unlikely and the pleas of impossible.  To be present in the absence.  To do something when nothing is sought.  To fortify myself for what is to come.  To prepare for the privation.  The famine.  The wilderness.

But I can’t.  Because I didn’t.  And I’m not.

And I’m undone.

Oh Lord, be my help.  Call forth Your mighty army.  Conquer the depravity.  Grant provision where none is prepared.  Grant hope where daylight is fleeting.  Breathe life into dry bones.

And when You don’t.  If You don’t.  I pray You will rescue me from sadness.